


Lost

by micah_n10 (micah)



Series: 100 Themes [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Insanity, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-26
Updated: 2008-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:17:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micah/pseuds/micah_n10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Iruka wanted was to go home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Old Piece. Unbeta'd
> 
> Theme: 12. Insanity.

It had been a month. His eyes were crusty, listless after weeks without use. Hair grimy, full of sweat and dirt. Muscles lax, sore from repeated escape attempts. It had been a month, but that was okay. Because he still had to try. He had to get back home, had to fulfill a promise, just had to. Kakashi was waiting.

He whispered to himself again. _Kakashi._ The man's name a mantra that never passed his lips. If they knew, if they knew who his precious person was, then he'd never escape. They'd use their love against them. They'd use him against Kakashi.

 

\- - -

 

His eyes blinked in the blinding light. White walls, white tables, white linen. Everything was white, and cold, and sterile. The place smelt like a concoction of chemicals that did nothing to drown out the scent of piss and shit and blood and death. This was hell. This was his hell, over and over again every day, it was all that existed. The blindness, the cold, the stench and the pain.

There was nothing else.

 

\- - -

 

"I'm sorry," the voice whispered. Another strap wrapped around his waist. He was shirtless, arms and legs bound in place, a mouth guard forced between his teeth. "…but it's for the best."

He highly doubted that.

 

\- - -

 

_Kakashi._

He swallowed, gums aching, throat raw. At least he was warm. Warm and tired. He blinked, barely able to register the few silhouettes standing to his right.

A light shone in his eyes. "Umino-san? Umino-san can you hear me? Umino Iruka?"

Fuck. They knew his name. At least, it sounded like his name. But, he hadn't told anyone. He hadn't broken. He hadn't. He hadn't, please gods… he hadn't. He swallowed. He wasn't even sure if that was his name, couldn't remember enough of it to tell someone - which he hadn't. Gods… what if he had?

The voice faded, the shadows dark once more. The faint hum of a respirator, the rhythmic beep of a heart monitor all but echoed from the room beside his. He sighed. On the bright side… he wasn't that guy. Yet.

_Kakashi._

 

\- - -

 

He was… unbound.

His heart leapt, a small smile forming on his lips before he could quell it.

His captors were morons.

Days had to have passed, maybe even a week since his last 'treatment' --a word they were quite fond of-- and his muscles were healing. He could swallow without gagging. He could open his eyes and see shapes, figures, enough to get him through the winding corridors and maybe, just maybe, out into the evergreen canopy above.

Systematically he flexed each muscle gauging just how much damage they had caused. Nothing extreme, and most could be put down to his last two escape attempts. He scowled. His chakra had been blocked. It was an expected setback, but expected did not mean he had to like it. They weren't the most intelligent of nin, but they weren't entirely incompetent either.

Maybe… he began to focus on the nearest heat source… if he played along this time he'd get further. Maybe it was a case of underestimation on both teams part. He knew they weren't canny like some missing-nin, he'd gotten lucky in that respect, but they were still quick to react.

Defence, not offence.

He cringed. A month of torture and he was talking in sports terms.

He mentally shook himself. He had to focus.

_Kakashi…_

Slowly he opened his eyes, a silent hiss escaping his lips. Why was everything so fucking bright? It burned, gods it burned. Fuck, fuck… Deep breath, take a deep breath. "I-" he choked on the words. His fingers spasming against the linen, his toes curling as he coughed.

He couldn't stop. Couldn't stop coughing. Couldn't breathe.

"…Iruka?" a weight shifted beside him.

Gods, it hurt. His lungs, his throat, his eyes, everything fucking hurt. Everything burned. He couldn't, kami, he couldn't do this. No more, no more, no, no, no…

 

\- - -

 

His heart quickened. How long had it been this time? A day, a week, another month?

He barely had time to register the muffled footfalls before he heard the chime of glass, the cascade of water. His breath stopped. His mind reeling. How long had the next torture session been set up right beside him?

There was the sound of metal scraping metal.

No, no, no! He wouldn't, couldn't, be tortured again without at least seeing the sun. Without feeling its warmth shine upon him. Just this once. Just this once he wanted to be closer to home, closer to Konohagure, closer to Kakashi. He wanted… he needed… just this once to be free.

He braced his legs against the bed and lunged forward.

He struck out with the intent to kill, the too-white walls keeping him half blind. Almost immediately his wrist was snapped back, his arm twisted above his head while the nurse-doctor-guard-_someone_ straddled his waist and pinned him down.

He cried out, legs flaying.

One arm came free and he used it to grab a fistful of the nearest thing. Hair. He tugged at it and the man above growled - he tugged again. If he could jerk his body up, manoeuvre the man a little high, get a better grip he could-

His fingers were pried apart, a pair of lean legs wrapping themselves around his own.

"No!" he gave a frustrated cry. Words half choked, half sobbed. "Let me go. I haven't done anything. Please, please, don't do this… don't… please!"

"Iruka," his fingers were laced between his captors and brought down against his cheek in a soft caress. He flinched. Kicked up with everything he had and slammed them both back down again.

"I swear I don't know anything!" he screamed, eyes shut, lungs burning, coughing, begging. "I swear, please, I don't, I don't. I won't tell anyone I promise, just let me go… please, please, let me go. Please…"

The man above him pushed down, hard. His whole body forcibly shaken against the metal frame. "Iruka! Iruka! Damn it, where the hell is Tsunade!?"

"Get off of me!" he fought to open his eyes against the blinding light. Fought to remember if he really was Iruka. To remember when he had told them - how much he had told them. "Don't…"

The man above him jerked and then… Something cold, something liquid, slapped him in the face. He was wet. His skin flushed, breaking out into goose pimples as the water soaked into clothing and bedding. Strands of his own hair begun clinging to his cheeks and throat. He was Iruka. He was, he was, oh kami he was and they knew.

"Please," the man on top begged. "Please Iruka, Iruka stop!"

And he did. Every muscle in his body suddenly submissive to the voice above. That tone… that growl… He coughed, taking in gasps of water and air. He ached from head to toe. He ached in places he wasn't aware he could ache. But he was still. He was silent. He tried to blink through the pooling droplets of water.

"Ka-"

"Shh…" The man whispered, releasing one of his hands to bring up his own. He felt the water and crust from his eyes being gently wiped away. "Please, don't try and talk Baby Ru, Iruka. Your throats too raw. Just relax okay? I need you to relax."

"Kaka-" he --Iruka, he was Iruka-- ignored the others request. He had to ask, had to know, had to see that it wasn't some sort of torture induced hallucination. If he could just see, just touch the man's face, he'd know. He'd know it was real. He'd know he was home, he was safe… his body began shaking.

Hesitantly he --Iruka he reminded himself, Iruka-- reached forward, fingers brushing an unmasked face. His eyes snapped open, shutting just as harshly. Fucking light. He --Iruka-- tried again. Steady, slow blinks. His fingers trailed the line of stubbled jawbone to a scar that bisected the man's left eye. His breath caught.

He tried to focus. His eyes taking in a bush of untamed silver hair and pale, beautiful, almost translucent skin. His chest clenched. Oh gods… he was… He let out a shuddered breath, fingers curling around the others neck. "Kashi?"

"It's me, it's Kakashi, Ru…"

Iruka blinked back the patter of tears falling from his Kakashi's face, mingling with his own. His free hand shifting down the man's neck, along his collarbone, over his chest, fisting in his shirt. "Kashi…?" he asked again.

"Yes, yes, gods yes." Kakashi lent down, peppering the bridge of Iruka's nose with small barely-there kisses. "It's me Ru… it's me baby. You're safe, gods you're safe Baby Ru, Ruru…" he loosened his grip.

Iruka whimpered, his free hand joining the other on Kakashi's chest. He used what little energy he had to pull the older man back, to pull his Kakashi closer. His fingers, arms, legs, torso, every fucking thing able, trembled. He gasped through the body-wrecking sobs. It didn't matter, he was safe, he was home, he was with his Kakashi. His Kakashi, his… "Ka-" he coughed. "Kashi."

"Please, please don't talk Baby Ru," Kakashi begged. "It'll ruin your vocal cords if you do, please, please shh. Gods, you scared me. I thought… I… it's good to have you back, so good Baby Ru."

Iruka's fingers convulsed slightly, and he tightened their grip. "I'm… home?" he rasped. He had to hear it, had to hear his Kakashi say he was home. He had too. "…home?"

"Home." Kakashi grinned brilliant. Already leaning in to kiss every inch of Iruka's face. "…you're home." he whispered. "Home… safe… always…"

Iruka flinched with each press of lips. He couldn't stop himself, couldn't hide it, but Kakashi understood. He stayed ignorant of the reactions, dropping as many delicate kisses as he could. Iruka smiled, bringing a hand up to caress the man's face. His body could react however the hell it wanted so long as Kakashi never stopped.

 

\- - -

 

Kakashi splayed his hands over each side of Iruka's face, looking deep into chocolate eyes. His fingers absently smoothing down strands of wet hair. Iruka was in there, fighting. He'd been so afraid, terrified after everything that had happened…

"Where the hell is Tsunade?" Kakashi hissed. "I asked for her five minutes ago. She needs to be here NOW, not at the nurses damn leisure!"

 

\- - -

 

Iruka smiled up at his overprotective lover, thumb tracing the man's chapped lips. "M-missed you."

"Missed you," Kakashi repeated. "Missed you so damn much."

Iruka swallowed, mouth thick and throat tight. "A-and Na-ruto…? How… how's h-he?"

"Naruto…?" Kakashi's eyes widened. "Iruka, he…"

"He?" Iruka wiped the fresh fall of tears from Kakashi's face.

"Nothing," Kakashi's body sagged in defeat. "Nothing Baby Ru. Naruto's fine, he m-misses you too."

Iruka nodded, his brows knitting together. "Missed Konoha," he chuckled, chuckle breaking into small fits of coughing. "N-never thought…"

"Please Ruru," Kakashi begged. "Please, just, don't speak any more. Don't hurt yourself." He forced his eyes closed, just feeling the way Iruka's thumb smoothed along his bottom lip and jaw. "Please, don't speak Baby Ru."

"M-miss-missed you," Iruka whispered. "My little copy-cat." Kakashi's hands slid down Iruka's face, holding his shoulders and tightening. "Kashi," Iruka gasped. "Kashi it hurts."

"S-sorry," Kakashi stuttered letting go. "Sorry Ruru, Baby Ru, I'm sorry, I'm…"

"Hatake-san?" A firm voice pulled Kakashi from his ramblings. He looked up, a faint trace of a smile on the woman's lips. She folded her arms admirably beneath an ample cleavage. "So, he's awake?"

Kakashi bit his lip, head shaking in the negative. "He…" He hunched in on himself, shoulders shaking with barely restrained grief. "He…"

"Wait." Tsunade held up a hand. "Perhaps we could speak somewhere a little more… private." Her gaze flickered from Kakashi to Iruka. "Umino-san," she nodded. "I'll need Hatake-san for just a moment. We're not leaving, just taking a few steps over here. Is that okay with you?"

"Of course Hokage-sama!" Iruka forced the words out. A little rough around the edges but clear nonetheless. She was his Hokage and he would never question her - though he did appreciate the gesture.

Kakashi unfurled his body from Iruka's carefully, taking great pride not to jostle him in any way. Iruka smiled up at him knowingly before noticing how his Hokage seemed to keep at a distance, watching the whole ordeal as though it pained her to see both men so fragile. He frowned. How bad had things been for Kakashi that their Hokage showed concern for the both of them?

Their eyes met, and again she nodded. Iruka swallowed.

 

\- - -

 

"Shi-kun?" Tsunade placed a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, turning them both from Iruka's view.

"Hai, Tsunade-sensei?" Kakashi briefly met her eyes before dropping his gaze to the ground.

"How was he… when he woke up?" She squeezed his shoulder, bringing his eyes back up to hers.

"Violent,' Kakashi shrugged. "Just as you said. He attacked the first person he could."

"Then I guess we're lucky you were there," she tried to smile. "Not so lucky for you though." Her fingers ghosted over a slow rising bump to his eyebrow.

Kakashi snorted.

"Look," she sighed, pulling her hand away. "You know how this works Shi-kun, so give me your first impressions."

For a moment Kakashi stayed silent, his eyes drinking in the sight of his lover sitting, talking to one of the nurses. Something he'd never thought he'd see again. "Before or after he started talking?" He turned back.

"Before."

"Violent, hints of hysteria and paranoia. Then he seemed to stabilize."

"After?"

Kakashi closed his eyes, scrubbing at them with his hands. "He…" he ran fingers through his hair. "He called Konoha home, me his copy-cat and asked - he asked about Naruto. And, well you heard, _Hokage-sama_."

"He asked about Naruto-kun?" Tsunade asked genuinely surprised. "With no uncertainty, no blacking out like last time? No post-traumatic reactions of any kind?"

"How much more of a reaction do you want?" Kakashi growled. "He… weeks. Weeks since he's been aware enough to speak and he still… he still believes… gods!" Kakashi rubbed his eyes again. "He lost his _son_ Tsunade-sensei, his only son. And now I have to watch every damn day as he lapses between reality and, and a world of ninjas and demons! How much more do you want? How much more…" Kakashi whole body shook, tears burning. "…will I lose?"

"Shi-kun," Tsunade pulled her nephew in, arms encircling protectively.

"I want my husband back Tsu-chan," he whispered against her shoulder. "I want my husband, I want my son, I want my family. I need him to be okay, I need… you said… you said he'd…" he broke off.

"I'm sorry Kakashi-kun," she held him at arm's length, the heartbreak clear in his bi-coloured eyes. "I'm sorry, I know what I said and I do stand by those words. The last round of treatment gave Iruka-kun a sixty percent-"

"Sixty-seven," Kakashi corrected.

"A sixty-seven percent chance of making a full recover." Tsunade nodded. "He may still pull through, but you have to accept… he may not." Her hands tightened when Kakashi tried to step back. "No, listen to me. Physically Iruka-kun is in perfect health. Unlike yourself he suffered no life-threatening injuries from the crash. His mental stability however," she shook her head. "With the loss of Naruto-kun…"

Kakashi gripped the hands holding his shoulders tight, willing his aunt to stop. He'd heard all of this before, he didn't need to hear it again. Every day someone would tell him there was hope, but perhaps also he should prepare himself for the fact… he shook his head. He didn't need to hear it. He understood pain. He'd lost his son and husband all on the same day. He didn't need to hear it.

"If this doesn't work," he looked up hopeful. "What else is there?"

"I'm sorry Shi-kun," Tsunade apologised again. "Electrolysis therapy was our last resort."

"What does that mean?"

"You know what it means," she ran a hand down his arm, lacing her fingers with his and lightly squeezing. "You've done the courses Shi-kun, you're a medical student, you've always know what it means."

"Please," Kakashi shook his head. "Just say it. I don't… I can't… I need to hear you say it."

"If Iruka-kun doesn't start showing signs of recovery in the next two to three weeks, there is nothing else we can do for him. I'm sorry Kakashi, I truly am, but his mind may be lost." Tsunade gave his fingers another light squeeze, pulling back when he flinched.

 

\- - -

 

"What are you doing?" Iruka's eyes shifted from his lover and his Hokage to a nurse who'd just moved up beside him. She smiled down, nervous, writing notes in his chart. After a few moments she produced a syringe from her apron and began prepping the IV bag.

Iruka's body tensed. "I asked what you were doing?"

"Giving you something to help you relax."

"I don't need any help, I'm fine." Iruka shifted.

"It's nothing to worry about Umino-san," she flicked the needle, a thin trickle of clear substance leaking from its tip. "I've been helping with your treatment for the past month. It's perfectly safe."

"M-month?" Iruka swallowed. "Tr-treatment?"

She nodded.

_Genjutsu!_ He panicked. _All this time, I thought… and they had me under a genjutsu?_

"P-please, don't."

"Umino-san," she inserted the needle.

"No!" Iruka slapped her hand away, leaping into a crouch. "Don't touch me, please, I just want to go home. I haven't done anything! Why do you keep hurting me!?" He choked, suddenly there between the to-white walls and the stench of antiseptics. Of blood and death and uncontrolled bodily functions. He wasn't home, he wasn't safe… he wasn't… he wasn't…

"Iruka!" Kakashi grabbed his husband by the shoulders, hauling him from the hospital cot.

Iruka hung momentarily like so much meat before his feet touched the ground. He tried to kick, to struggle as two slender arms encircled him from behind. A head of silver hair pressed against his cheek, words of comfort whispered against his ear.

"Kakashi?" Iruka paused.

"It's okay Baby Ru," Kakashi continued. "Please, you're okay remember? Please remember Ruru, please Baby Ru…" he spun the younger man around, pools of chocolate widening at the sight of grey and red. "See," Kakashi held his lovers face between his palms. "See Ruru, it's just me…"

"Kakashi?" Iruka reached up, hands digging into the man's shoulders.

"Yeah Ru," Kakashi swiped a thumb over the scar on Iruka's right cheek. "It's me, it's me and your safe, remember? You're safe."

"Kakashi!" Iruka pounced. His legs wrapped around the older man's waist, hands fisting in the material of his shirt. "I want to go home, please, please take me home…" he begged.

Kakashi looked over his shoulder, a pleading expression for Tsunade to understand. She nodded, a brief assent to both men's requests before leaving them in peace.

"Okay, Baby Ru." Kakashi turned back to his husband, moving to sit on the bed. Iruka huddled closer. The feel of Kakashi's fingers combing through his hair; the smell of pine and dirt and dogs on his skin; the smooth sombre tone of his voice all signs he was safe.

"I'll take you home."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Altered Perceptions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/103342) by [micah_n10 (micah)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/micah/pseuds/micah_n10)




End file.
